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disowned_angel
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Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 1554
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:31 pm    Post subject: Text jokes Reply with quote

Post jokes here that are short enough to fit in a text.

Heather Mills got a plane as part of her divorce settlement, but she will still use IMMAC on the other leg.



What does Bill Clinton and an IKEA flatpack got in common? One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinate falls apart!



A scouser, a cokney and a geordie walk into a bar to see Jesus sitting at a table. They each buy him a pint. Jesus walks upto the scouser to thank him, touches him and he shouts MY ARTHRITUS IS GONE, he walks upto the cokney, touches him and he shouts MY HERNIA IS GONE, so Jesus walks up to the geordie who runs away screaming GET AWAY FROM ME, I'M ON DISABILTY!
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jamie swain
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Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Posts: 80

PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

these are very affensive and very nsfw (not suitible for work)

warning do not click on spoiler if you are easily affended

[spoiler] i recieved this joke via sms when maddeline mccann went missing

just to notify you that the mcanns have won the all famous hide and seek awards

i recieved this one when john darwin showed up

when john darwin was questioned by the police he did mention that he would never go on holiday with the mccans again

i recieved these texts when jozef fretzl got caught in the basement with his daughter

1.
Josef Fretzl
*****
25 years experience and in soundproofing and basement conversions#

2.
just when you thought the mcanns were getting the hide and seek awards an austrian woman comes out of the basement

i recieved this via email yesterday

paul simon, bono and garry glitter are bragging about the girl they are sleeping with

paul simon says "oh the im shagging hated the war on vietnam"

bono says "oh shame on you the girl im shagging wasnt even alive to know about the war in vietnam but she hates the war on terrorism"

garry glitter says "oh shame on you the girl im shagging wasnt even alive then to know about the war on terrorism" [/spoiler]

Thats all Folks
Jamie Swain[/list][/code]
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disowned_angel
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Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 1554
Location: Newcastle Upon Tyne

PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What does an christmas tree and a preist have in common? The balls are just for decoration


A bloke bursting for the loo uses the ladies in a posh hotel. He sits down and notices 4 buttons, WW, WA, PP & ATR. Curious, he presses WW and is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA and gets dries with warm air. PP, a puff of powder left him smelling fresh. Feeling pampered, he presses ATR. He wakes up in a hospitalis told that ATR is the automatic tampon remover.


2 preists go for a shower and realise there's no soap. One runs back to his room, not bothering with clothes, grabs 2 bars of soap and heads back. He sees 3 nuns on his way back, so he pretends to be a statue. They say how life like he looks, one pulls on his willy, startled he drops a soap, "it's a soap dispenser", another nun does the same and he dropped the other bar. The third nun keeps tugging, "sweet jesus, hand lotion too!"
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george.mikal
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Joined: 26 May 2010
Posts: 1

PostPosted: Wed May 26, 2010 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

agreed with thjis point....
just when you thought the mcanns were getting the hide and seek awards an austrian woman comes out of the basement

i recieved this via email yesterday

paul simon, bono and garry glitter are bragging about the girl they are sleeping with

paul simon says "oh the im shagging hated the war on vietnam"

bono says "oh shame on you the girl im shagging wasnt even alive to know about the war in vietnam but she hates the war on terrorism"
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MOLLIE
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Joined: 13 Feb 2009
Posts: 3611
Location: Wigan, Lancashire

PostPosted: Fri May 28, 2010 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Erm .... I'm not sure that these jokes are suitable for here. Am not being funny, but we do have members as young as 12 years old on here guys. Perhaps the expletives can be subsituted for more acceptable words without taking away the point. Sad
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